Written November 18, 2006.

Hey Baby,

Today is my maintenance day so I was able to get away fora little while and write you. Excuse my writing, I don’t think I have written a letter since Basic Training.

There is so much I want to know about you, but I can’t decide what to ask or how to say it. Slowly I will get my questions together. The way I figure it, we have a long time to get to know each other. So, how many brothers and sisters do you have? You mentioned that you have a step-family. But I don’t know what happened? What was childhood like? Why does your father live in Texas? I know I am asking a lot of questions and if I ask something too personal just let me know.

Well, my childhood was good. Both of my parents are still married and have been for 28 years. I look at my parents and see what I want in a wife, marriage, and my life. I need someone who is understanding, caring, supportive, faithful and willing to accept my faults and is ok with my career (due to my travels and deployments). I want someone I can travel the world with.

My parent’s stories of the military and traveling together are the reasons why I am here today. My mother and father always tell me stories of when we were in Germany and how they would take vacations to France, Italy and all over Europe. My dad told me stories of Korea and so I decided to check it out. I had a great time, but believe my travels can be better with someone there with me to enjoy the new cultures and experiences. But I also want to see the U.S. I haven’t been many places in the states, only military bases. I think it is awesome that you like to go on road trips, even if you don’t like to drive Don’t worry I will drive you where you want to go. I love to drive. Again this is due to the stories my father use to tell me about driving across the country.

I also like the outdoors. Probably from growing up in the South. I remember the first time I went camping. I was a cub scout and we had a father and camping trip. My dad took off from work and we went camping. It was great! My father is my role model and my mom is my inspiration. I never realized how much of an impact they have made on me and in my life until I went away. I miss waking up at home to my mother’s cooking and my dad’s football game playing or him watching James Bond. I miss walking down the hallway and knocking on my sister’s door to wake her up for school. I miss the holidays we spent together and the birthdays we celebrated. I hope to be as good of a father as my dad when I have kids and hope to have a family of my own. Everyone in my family thought I would get married and have kids first. Boy where they wrong! My sister had always said she didn’t want kids, but when she had McKenzie I knew she was always bound to be a great mother. And now that she has 2 kids and a husband she has proven to be a great mother, wife and parent. She is my teacher of life and lessons learned. She is the one who has directed me the right way my whole life. I hope you get to meet my family and I can’t wait until they meet you, Because like my family has made me a better person, I think you can make me a whole person.

Well, I have to go check on my soldiers. Oh yea, today I had to fix my Blue Force Tracker and didn’t even need commo’s help. (Better watch out I might take your job away) I sent some pictures with the letter. These are pictures of me when I came home from Korea before I deployed to Iraq. The picture with me standing in front of my parents garage. I am wearing a Corona sweater! (My parents sense of humor!) Talk to you later.

Goodbye,

J.

PS. I love your smile. What makes your smile gorgeous is your beautiful soul. The letter that comes next will have pictures, sorry for the wait baby.

Here is why you should not go to a physic. I went to one that read my cards and said the guy you met was your soul mate but you lost him because you hurt him. Then, she says that the guy with the black hair is just your friend and the guy with the blonde hair is potential. That little scenario describe a lot of guys in my life!!! How would I ever know which blonde it was? All I could think was that J. was my soul mate. What a costly mistake I made by breaking up with him.

The problem was I wouldn’t trust any guys with dark hair. I started talking to a guy online named Jace and I thought he was better than Kevin. Plus, Jace had blonde hair and Kevin had dark hair. I didn’t want to lie to Kevin so I was honest about meeting someone new and not wanting to purse him any more. Kevin drinks and gets into fights. He talks about living for money but I want happiness.

I believe women are emotional from their sixth sense. You know you have to trust that gut feeling. And that’s what gets me is if I was thinking Kevin lied to me, was I misjudging? I’m not fickle, I’m simply having an argument with myself. It’s between my “gut feeling” and logic.

(continued entry)

That weekend I drove to Jacksonville, FL to chill at my aunt’s house. It’s about a two-hour drive or less depending on construction and traffic. Every night I dreamt that KA and I were together like I had originally imagined. I wrote to him to tell him bout my dreams and confront him about a few things. He blew up and told me not to contact him untill I could stop being wishy-washy. I talked with my aunt about why I might be so emotional and what to do about it. That’s when I remembered bout how I just quit taking my pain medication.

Today I started taking detox vitamins from GNC. It’s going to take two weeks. I think about KA every day and I wonder if he’s really sincere. In the meantime, I met two guys online but not in person. (M and B) Both have great names. However, at this time I seriously doubt I’m ready to date anyone right now. B claims he wants to meet me but he’s stationed at Ft. Gordon which is almost a 4 hour drive to me. I’m not clear on where M is at and he may have a girlfriend. His MySpace page status says in a relationship. He claims he’s too busy to change it. Sounds like bull to me. So it seems I shall remain single for now.

What I have to report is nothing like the previous entry. This is a classic example of not thinking things through first. Kevin and I had been talking several times a day. We talked about living in the same town. I was looking for work near him. In my search for employment I realized that most, if not all, jobs require a BA degree for the industry I worked in prior to joining the Army.

I was new to a civilian life again and I had a lot to figure out. I was questioning myself about my desire to remain single or to commit myself to KA. Was I ready? Was he the right guy? My gut instinct leaned more towards that he was not the right guy so I broke up with him. I suppose I simply didn’t believe his promises.

My real motivation to break up with KA was to go see another man about two hours away from me. I didn’t want to lie to KA about it so I went and then confessed. I had a terrible time and regretted doing this to KA. I sabotaged the situation without realizing it until it was too late to expect forgiveness. KA was hurt and put up a wall and things slowly fell apart.

I’ve been away in the Army for some time now. I’m finally back home and things are the same here but I am not the same person. I’m not sure if these pages will continue to fill with the same nonsense as before, we’ll see.

Right now I’m single but there is one guy that I failed to previously mention. His name is K.A. I met him online two years ago but we’ve never met in person. We’ve been talking every day for two weeks and I’m very interested in him. I’m just so afraid of getting hurt, but I guess I’m suppose to love like I’ve never been hurt before. I’m not doing a great job at it but because he is being so understanding I’m falling for him more.

He bought me a plane ticket to see him where he lives in Washington DC. We’re staying at the hotel across the street from the capital. I’m looking forward to our visit together. My intuition tells me we’ll be amazing together. Soon this book will have pages of a real date with a real man who wants to treat me the I deserve. I’m not sure I even remember what that might be like. I want to love him for all the good and all the bad that he is.

30 April 07

I’m stuck at Ft. Gordon for a while. God bless the day I get out of here. I’m trying hard to cheer up today. I’ve been dating T.K. I value our time together, the ups and the downs. It’s difficult to care for someone so much and they do not feel the same way in return. He loves me but not the way I’d like. He’ll be moving to Texas and I’ll be going to Florida. I wish I could hold him every night in my arms. I’m going to miss him so much! Maybe one day we’ll find each other again, but that is up to God.

As the weekends passed I began to get to know his mother better. She turned out to be missing a few marbles and now I refuse to speak to her. There was a time period where she wanted me and T to move in together at her house. We decided against it because she is toxic and has a drinking problem.

Fast forward a few months ahead to a scene where T and I began to out process out of the Army and we both knew we would be going separate directions. He was to move to one state half way across the country from the east coast where I would be living. At the time, it was difficult for me to understand why he was pushing me away. I felt like I would follow him any where. He had a lot of sorting through with his life and so did I.

I spent his last moments with him at the airport. It was his first time flying and he was nervous so he asked me to be there with him in the waiting area and he we talked some in my car. Then he was gone.

I saw him in his civilian clothes for the first time since we always had to wear our uniform at all times. I was instantly attracted to him and would say it was love at first sight. I hadn’t been with a man in a very long time. We sat next to each other in a bar and I met some of his other friends. Our knees touched each other and I thought I was going to explode! Turns out T felt the same way and it wasn’t long until he asked if I wanted to leave and go some where we could be alone. I went to the ATM to see how much my balance was and he was in the car with me. I told him I didn’t have enough money to get my own room. T said that he would lend me the money for the room so we went to the hotel and ended up never leaving!

I began to notice a new man in my unit at Ft. Gordon that came along. I was a hold over waiting to get out of the Army so I saw soldiers come and go from the company. His name was T. He is tall, dark and handsome. He would pass me and look so deep into my eyes I think I fell for him before he ever introduced himself to me.

One day we were standing outside in formation and he was standing next to me. He introduced himself and it was very easy to flirt with him. It was Friday and we were going to be released for the weekend. Most of my friends had already left Ft. Gordon and moved onto their permanent duty stations. I told T about my plans to get a hotel room and take a long bubble bath. Of course this led to some fun flirting. He asked for my number and as he entered the numbers into his phone I became so excited. He opened up more about himself and told me he was bipolar. I had dated someone in my past who was bipolar as well and I knew exactly what I was in store for. And I didn’t care.

The only way for my problems to work out is to have faith in God. When I do an amazing thing happens. He makes something happen that I could never have done myself. I have no control over other people in the way that the Lord does. He can soften and harden hearts. The other night God let me be with J’s soul even though he was in Iraq. J was with me in the car ride and the night before he was at dinner with me. J may not know it but his spirit was with me. It was amazing. I was in Savannah, GA with my best friend celebrating New Years. I was the only one without a date but I had comfort and peace knowing I didn’t feel alone.

Before we met each other he told me that some of my letters sent him comfort and I think that’s why he came to visit me. Looking back I think he wanted to meet me out of curiosity but in the end I wasn’t his type. But how could he judge? I think I was afraid and sent that vibe with the shocked look on my face when I first met him. I didn’t realize how short he was. I was also wearing a gym uniform with my hair in a bun! I couldn’t have looked cute at all. But they say everything happens for a reason and that when you let someone go if they come back they were always yours and if they don’t, then they were never yours.

J will always be the one that got away in my eyes. I had to move on so I tried but I also tried for a year to get J back while dating other people.